A mother writes: My 9-year-old son is a child of divorce, now two years old. Dad is big into sports and has him enrolled in at least one every season. Our son is having major problems in school, none of which are due to a lack of ability. When he doesn't “like” the assignment, he refuses to do it.
His behavior is also becoming more of a problem. He is seeing the school counselor, who tells me that he has lingering anxiety over the divorce, which I think is pure psychobabble. I've decided to keep him out of participation in sports unless his grades for the week are good. His dad is furious with me. He thinks that I shouldn't take sports away because they teach discipline and build self-esteem. What do you think?
John Rosemond responds: First, I agree with you that your son's school problems are not caused by “lingering anxiety over the divorce.” Furthermore, by constructing this sort of pseudo-psychological excuse, the counselor in question is unwittingly enabling your son's misbehavior and underachievement.
On the matter of keeping your son out of sports if he doesn't behave in class and do his work on a weekly basis, I think you're doing the right thing, which is nothing more than a variation on what I call “Grandma's Rule”: When you do what you are supposed to do, then you can do what you want to do.
I agree with the father that sports are a good thing -- that they develop discipline, self-confidence, etc. However, I also believe in first things first. Obviously, your son's education is more important than soccer, baseball or football. Your son hasn't developed the discipline he needs to participate in sports. When he is ready to demonstrate that discipline, he can participate again. Don't expect Dad to agree, and I would bet that you won't be able to reason with him. Just stay the course and ignore his protests.
John Rosemond is a family psychologist.
Contact him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240
or www.rosemond.com
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